My Healing Journey; Endometriosis Pt. 1

It's been awhile since I've written, I've tried to get myself into the mind set many times, but given the things happening in our world and also in my own life personally, it's been very hard to focus. I'm not one to force things, and if I'm not feeling it or know that I can't do it wholeheartedly, then I don't. Fortunately, I've been starting to feel at least a bit more normal and ready to get back to writing here.

With that said, I felt like a great personal story to go into which may also provide insights and help for others with shared experiences, is to talk about my struggles and how I’ve overcome living with a chronic illness.

I've lived with endometriosis for as long as I can remember, I was around 16-17 when the symptoms started, I didn't know or think that's what it was at the time, but I then found out there was a family history of it and so it was likely that's what was causing the issues I was having. I remember going to multiple gynecologists and explaining the symptoms and problems I was having and immediately being shut down, interrupted, and told my only option was birth control. It was incredibly frustrating, because I have always been against just taking drugs, as it doesn't heal it is simply a band-aid and it doesn't actually solve the problem, in fact, it increases it as you end up with more side effects and long-term issues from the use of medication. Even as a teenager I was aware of this, probably because I grew up watching what my mom went through with the medical field and how their only answer is drugs, never actually helping you to heal or make the lifestyle adjustments that can lead to better quality of life.

There are two memories I have from that time when first trying to find answers that really solidified for me that if I am ever to feel better and heal this issue, it will have to be on my own terms.

The first was one doctor who I saw and it was I believe one of the first times I had gone in with the health problems I was having, and I was trying to explain to him what I was experiencing and asked what could be done. He was a smug doctor, one of those ones where nothing you say really matters because he's the "professional" and therefore the authoritative figure and knows all. I remember him cutting me off while speaking, I never even finished going into what was going on with me, before he told me that I needed to be on birth control and that I also needed to get the HPV vaccine, which had just come out at the time, and yes, the same one which many girls and women had that caused them to end up actually having serious reactions, health issues, infertility, etc.

He handed me the scripts to get both, and I remember telling him that I didn't want either, I had no interest in birth control and I didn't want the vaccine. I wanted to know what could be done naturally, what was going on to cause this imbalance in my body. This doctor lost it on me. Like rage mad, twitching, I don't know if he's ever had a patient actually decline his "expertise" before. The guy was a dick. He berated me and then slamming the scripts down next to me, told me to go get them. And that was that. I took the scripts, walked out, ripped them up and never went back there.

I tried holding off and just hoping things would get better on their own, that maybe it was just temporary, but the pain continued to get worse, I would feel sick, and so after some time I found a different doctor, a woman this time, and after that last doctor I didn't want to deal with another man telling me what to do with my body. This time wasn't really much different, I was given the same advice, that my only option was to try birth control.

I felt defeated and at a loss, was this really my only option for a pain free life? I was able to at least discuss my concerns, the symptoms and everything with this doctor, she seemed more genuine and she ended up suggesting to me to try the depo-provera shot, I only would need to get it once every 6 months and it had less side effects, according to her. She was able to convince me to try it, I finally felt desperate enough as things were just getting progressively worse for me. I got the shot, and it was unfortunately everything I feared happening to me.

Almost immediately the side effects started. It caused my moods to shift from one extreme to the other. I started feeling extremely depressed, anxious, irritable, just all over the place. I would have crying fits, no real reason; I was an emotional/hormonal mess. And then, the bleeding started. The point of the shot was to stop my period, and what I got instead was a year straight of spotting and bleeding on top of the issues I was facing with my mood regulation.

I wish that was the worst of it, but I also experienced two TIA’s or mini-strokes. Both were horrifying, and the second time happened while I was driving, I was lucky enough to feel it coming on and pulled over, but after this happened, I was thoroughly done taking advice from doctors. I was so upset, I felt unheard, and I felt like my health didn’t matter at all to these people; they were more interested in getting their perks from the pharmaceuticals.

When I had my next visit with the doctor, six months later which would've been for the second shot. She asked me how it was going and so I went into everything that had happened and was experiencing. It honestly kinda shocked me when instead of being concerned at all about any of this or sympathetic, the doctor simply told me that those are just some of the risks and side effects which can happen and that if I keep getting the shots then it MIGHT stop. But that either way I should continue getting the shots.

I'll be honest, at this point I wasn't really nice about any of this especially with what I had been going through. I didn't get the shot again, and I made it pretty clear how I felt and how unbelievable it was to be treated so nonchalantly regarding my health and the serious side effects I had to live with for six months and which lasted over a year!

For a time, several years really, I gave up even seeking help from any doctors. Unfortunately through this time, my symptoms progressively got worse, I started to have other health problems, and throughout all of my twenties it was nothing but a battle of trying to find an answer, a cure, anything to stop the pain and what I went through monthly.

If you're reading this and happen to have endometriosis or any type of chronic illness, disorder, disability, then I'm sure you know all too well the struggle, isolation, and absolute nightmare it can be to live with. I feel even as I write this now, there's no way for me to even put into words the true experience of what this disease does to a person. And what's worst, it feels like most people don't even know of its existence or have any understanding of what it means. "Just take some ibuprofen" "Cramps are normal" "It can't be that bad"....just some of the things I've been told countless times. The only thing worst than this disease is the invalidation and being made to feel as if it's all in your head and you're being dramatic or causing your own problems because you don't agree with the birth control "solution".

Have you ever passed out from pain? I have. Have you ever had to go to the ER because you were experiencing pain so bad that your body felt like it was on fire and you couldn't move, breathe, etc? I have. Have you ever just gone to your job while experiencing these things because you know they don't care, because you've already tried to explain this to them, so instead you just work until you end up almost passed out on the floor and they send you home? I have. And I've also lost jobs because of it. They of course don't say that, they'll call it "making cuts" to staff, or just cutting your hours to where its pointless.

This is all barely going into my own experiences, but even just these are important to say and bring up, because I'm not alone, and there's so many others who live with different illnesses, disabilities, etc who I know have gone through many of these same experiences. Being brushed off, invalidated, treated as if they are a burden or a problem, even by those who within society we consider to be "experts", "caring professionals", they may just be the worst offenders in any of this, because it's who society has deemed as the one's we go to for answers and help, and unfortunately, rarely is that ever found.

I also want to say quickly, since I know I may sound like I am coming down hard on anyone within the medical field, I know it's not every doctor, there are genuinely good ones out there, I have had some, and what made me respect them was besides their empathy and true attentiveness, they were honest with me, they told me straight up they didn't know the answer to my problem, that all they could offer me was medicine, but they also encouraged me to find other resources and that it was possible to find alternative practices which could help me and be better for me. I wish this was more common, but it seems to be a rarity.

I spent my twenties trying different things, looking for the "cure". My true healing journey began when I was 22. The catalyst for this was the depression and unhappiness I had fallen into at this point in my life, caused by many things which were going on (that will have to be another story for another post). It all started when I did a road trip across the country from NY to San Diego. This was truly a life changing trip for me, and I feel like it changed the whole trajectory of my life.

One of the most important things to come from this trip was becoming vegetarian, and shortly after vegan, which 10 years later and I still am. I had always been interested and wanted to try it, but at that time, it was still not very common, especially in my hometown, and I never knew where to start. During that trip, I ended up staying with some friends who were vegetarian, and so for the duration of my time in San Diego (2 weeks), I ate only vegetarian, and immediately started to noticed how much better I felt. I decided to stick with it, which at that time was a serious commitment, as I didn't even know how to cook really, other than some very basic meals, which if that doesn't tell you the type of unhealthy lifestyle I had, lol.

100% Vegan/Plant Based Dinner I recently made

I dived into the world of vegetarianism and shortly after veganism, I researched the things I needed to eat, any supplements I should take, and I started to cook and practice creating recipes. When I first started, oof, it was pretty laughable, still edible, but a lot I had to learn. It became fun for me, I fell in love with cooking, and pretty quickly I picked it up, so much so, that I ended up working professionally as a cook for 5 years. Which as much as I loved it, living with endometriosis through all of this time, it made it very hard when the symptoms would flare up to be able to do the job, it became almost impossible.

Learning to cook, eating healthier and going completely plant based was a huge step in my healing journey, it was the first piece to the puzzle. Throughout those first few years, I noticed a lot of changes in my health, mood, there were many things which improved, I was overall a much happier person, but the pain, when it hit, was still unbearable.

I didn't reach the next step in my healing journey until I was about 26, which came about as I learned more and more about the actual disease of endometriosis, the causes, the effects, the connections it has to your entire body, it's not simply a reproductive disorder, it is a progressive disorder which grows throughout your body, effecting your nervous system, your endocrine system and hormones, as it progresses it can effect your digestive system (which it did/does for me), and it can also reach your lungs and brain.

I remember when I first fully realized the extent and seriousness of this, how hopeless I felt, I remembered reading there were stages to its progression and the symptoms you would have with each, at 26 I was already far past the digestive issues, which started when I was about 18. I had breathing problems and chest pain, which I noticed would worsen at certain times of the month (matching my cycle), I had never put it all together, but endometriosis was really slowly taking hold of my whole body, I would get random sharp pains in certain parts of my body including my head at any point in time, just, so many things, which aren't normal, and all of it, because of this out of control illness.

At 26 I also made another revelatory discovery, one which equally sobered me and made me equally feel defeated and yet empowered that I had to find a way to heal this. I discovered what is called PMDD. I won't go into too many details, but PMDD is basically a severe form of PMS, it is actually commonly misdiagnosed as bi-polar disorder because of the similarities in symptoms. It is an affective mood disorder which is triggered through the hormonal imbalances that occur, especially in those with endometriosis, and commonly if you have endometriosis, you most likely also have PMDD.

The pattern of PMDD is that it will usually cycle quickly with your own monthly cycle and two weeks leading to ovulation is when the peak of the symptoms appear, which can range, for some they can become very manic, aggressive, to depressed and suicidal, all of this happening monthly, and once your hormones balance out, you are back to your normal state, wondering what the hell just happened.

When I discovered this, it made me cry. I never talked about it then, and I always felt partially ashamed because of the ways my mood would fluctuate, and I had no control. It felt like something would take over me, and in a sense that is true. In my experience, I would usually start with feeling very depressed, hopeless, which would lead to anxiousness and spiraling thoughts, sometimes anger, I would start assigning blame to things around me, naturally, as I was trying to find any reason why I suddenly would feel this way, and then my period would hit... then I would be in too much pain to feel much of anything other than wanting to die because my existence of this felt unbearable. And then once this cycle was over and things balanced out, I would usually have the more manic part, but it was more because I finally am not in any pain, I don't have these terrible thoughts or feelings, and feel like I can do anything, and then boom, the cycle begins again.

I couldn't even tell you when that started for me specifically, there's not a specific moment in time when I really remember it beginning. It wasn't all the time either. There were times where that wasn't happening, but once I realized it existed, I started to notice the patterns to it, the triggers. Stress, especially emotional stress being two of the big ones.

Between 26-29 I worked so hard to find, read, and understand as much as possible on both endometriosis and PMDD. During this time I was also completing my bachelors in psychology as well. I took multiple courses in neurobiology, stress, trauma, and searched through the libraries to find all I could on the connections between brain and body and disorders related to pain, mood, and specifically what I was going through. One of the final papers I actually wrote for a neurobiology class I took, was on PMDD and the neurobiology of it.

Throughout what I learned while I studied in school and what I studied on my own time, I learned information which truly helped me to understand on deeper levels what was going on, and I've taken it and never given up on healing and reversing what my body has gone through. To some, that may sound crazy and impossible. But, even though it took me years and trial and error and persistence, I have lived relatively pain free for the past year of my life now.

Am I 100% healed? No. There is still healing to be done and work to do. But I think I can safely say that I am nearly recovered from what has felt like a life sentence for me. For almost all of my adult life so far, I have had to live with and accept that for 3 weeks of each month I am going to feel irrationally depressed and anxious, and then for at least a week be in horrible pain, for a minimum of 2 days unable to get out of bed and when I try it will only make everything 100x's worse. I will be unable to eat during that week, except for maybe some soup, anything that is easily digestible. And even with ibuprofen, none of this will change, except that the ibuprofen will now make me more nauseous than I already was.

That was the reality I was living for 10+ years, and that's a very small description of what I actually was going through. As of right now, I can now go to my job the day my period begins and get through that entire day. I can go through my day pretty much normal and do what I need to do. I can even eat! Although I usually choose to fast for certain days during this time because it actually makes me feel even better.

Is there still some pain and discomfort? Yes, but I imagine it's what perhaps a normal woman feels during that time of the month. Compared to where I was and to where I am now, it feels like a miracle. Honestly. Part of me was ready to accept that it would never happen because, well, it felt like that.

I changed a lot with my lifestyle through the years as I learned more and as I grew as a person. I worked on myself endlessly, and I fought to find a way to get through this. Through countless changes, and adding certain practices and routines to my life, I was able to overcome endometriosis, and I am now living a life that I felt would only be a dream. When I hit three months with no pain or the usual symptoms that I would have, I cried, because I was just waiting for it to start again, but it didn't.

This post became much longer than I anticipated, but it's only the beginning to the story. It is a large part of why I am passionate to help others, to show others that they can overcome and heal, that through mindset, healthy life choices and holistic practices, you can achieve whatever it is you set out to do, whether you want better health, or to heal a chronic issue, or to be mentally stronger, it doesn't matter, you can do it!

In the next post I am going to talk specifically about what I did and the steps I took to heal my body. I will go into things that are easy for any of us to do and which have long term benefits for our health, whether we are already healthy or not. The key is always to remain persistent, patient, and committed to yourself and to your own wellbeing. Self love. It is an all encompassing and far reaching thing.

When we learn to listen to ourselves; our body, and our hearts, we open pathways to healing everything and anything. Of releasing all that isn't us, and instead filling up on all that we actually are.

Solstice Holistic